Falling Down The Rabbit Hole Part 2

Drugs, they are a love hate relationship. My pick was cocaine, it used to be adderal.

It happened so fast, and felt so harmless but boy was I wrong. It all started with a simple invite, from a friend of mine to go smoke some weed. Me, already using cannabis for a while medically accepted with gratitude. I put my own kush in my backpack and went to twin rinks to meet up with him. We did our regular ritual of finding a cool place in the forest to sit, packed a bowl and sparked it up. About 10 mins later we were laughing hysterically and digging into our bag of chips.

I remember it like yesterday, he looked at me and said "I have something a bit more fun, wanna try?" I asked him what he meant and he said "I have a half gram of really good cocaine, lets do this". I didn't see any harm in trying it just once, but to this day I am kicking myself for not getting up and leaving. He poured the shimmering white powder onto my phone and started cutting it up into lines. He did his line and handed me the straw and I did mine.

Wow

Words can not even describe how I felt, it was fucking amazing. I felt like I was on the top of the world, not a care in the world, like when a smoker smokes his first cigarette and gets such a head rush he almost passes out. It was down right amazing. Then, as soon as it happened, it was gone. We smoked a few bowls and then went home. I lay in my bed looking up at the ceiling thinking "holy fuck, did I really do that?" I dismissed it and thought to myself that I would never do that again, but god damn did that feel good. 

That was all it took, one little line of shiny white powder turned into a once and a while thing to going days without sleep or food. I started losing weight, and every last little bit of cash I had was going to buying more dope. I thought I could manage it, id make up excuses to make myself think it was ok, but deep down I knew it was a problem.

I was still living with my parents at the time and eventually when it came time to pay rent I couldent, my bank account had been locked due to someone trying to buy drugs with the bitcoin I sold them, and when the silk road got busted, that purchase was traced to me. The trader that had lost most of my cash I found out has been embezzling cash since he started. My CFO had also ended up being involved with organized crime and was trying to launder cash through me. He threatend me and my family unless I paid them back, so I did and was left with nothing.

It was terrifying, 19 addicted to cocaine, having bad people after you, knowing your family. I didn’t know how to cope, and would spend my evenings with a razer blade, straw, and bag of little white powder. At this point my parents found out about my drug use. We argued constantly, with my drug induced rage I said a lot of things to my parents that I am not proud of. I thought they were out to get me, and didn’t see that I was the problem. In doing this I feel deeper in the depression I already was in end used ever more. At this point I was staying at Mark's, he knew about the drugs and didn’t like it, but let me do it.


I remember the night I almost died like it was yesterday. I had a particulary bad argument with my parents and completly broke down after, I walked out to meet my dealer and picked up a gram of good coke, went inside, and railed the largest line I ever had.

"That was stupid"

I felt a massive rush of adrenaline and my vision started to go blurry, my ears started ringing and I felt my heartbeat in my fingers. The whole left side of by body went numb and I remember thinking "this is it, I'm going to die" and passed out.

I woke up the next day and cried my eyes out. I thought that was the end, I really did. I took the last bit of blow  I had and threw it in the toilet. And have not touched that shit since.

Mark had to move and I was offered a job by my old CFO with an alarm systems company in Surrey. I took the offer, what else was I supposed to do? I felt trapped and he was offering me a job, a place to stay, and food. Little Did I know it would be nothing but, but that is a story for next time.

Falling Down the Rabit Hole Part 1

I survived, I have returned, and for the most part I am ok. Some of you who actually know my real identity know what has happened in the past few months. Though who do not know what happened, I ask you to read this.

The past six months of my life have been the very definition of hell. This was the reason I have been gone from blogging for so long. So what happened you ask?

I fucked up, I fucked up bad. I screwed my life up and burned so many bridges the past few months that I have no Idea how I made it through alive. I did some bad things, and I am extremely embarrassed about it.

It all started near the beginning of the summer. My company at the time was taking a big risk and expanding rapidly. Hiring new people, taking on new investers, and we were doing very well. We had interest from a number of venture capatalists and started building up large cash reserves. Money was not a problem, and I was living the dream. Doing what I wanted, partying lots with friends, girls and fancy things it was paradise, but it all came to an abrupt and hard ending.

Work was stressful, it always was. When you were dealing with the amounts of money we were it gets even worse. Trading is not an easy business, and you have to be rock solid to handle it. I was already becoming burned out. Working a shift from 6pm to 8am trading the china/london market was what did it for me, so I hired a new trader. This trader was fantastic, in simulated trade he was making very steady profits, so I put him on the daytrading desk. At first it was going great, this trader was making very good money, and was almost spot on with his trades.

Then everything went to hell.

I remember it was a Saturday, and me and a few buddies went out for a few drinks. I took a look on my phone and noticed bitcoin was dropping in price, and quite rapidly. I phoned my trader and told him to sell 250 bitcoins and re buy them back at a 10% profit. I also told him to stop loss the position if the price went 2% the wrong way. He agreed, I hung up the phone and continued to party. I get home and open the account panel and notice the position is -$15,789.56 USD. I almost cried, the amount of panic was the worst I have ever felt in my life.

I called up my trader and screamed at him. I couldn't stop screaming. He constantly told me it was fine but ever second btc was climbing. I closed the position and we took a loss, and a fucking large one. The worst part was braking the news to my COO. He was angry, very angry. We didn't know what to do and out of panic decided to keep it hush hush. We could fix it, I was confident, to confident.

Four days later the same thing happened, but this time with $6,000 USD. I fired the trader and hired a long time friend of mine at the time that was trading forex, and doing a really damn good job of it. He was qualified for the job and was a finance major. I made him chief of trading and allowed myself to take a break. Around this time is when the full on stress hit me and I started doing drugs. But that is for the next post.

Matthew Good: Strange Days

Two posts today!, Listening to this now and decided to post it, one of my fav songs.

"Strange Days"

Good morning
Don't cop out
You crawled from the cancer to land on your feet
Are you crazy to want this
Even for a while?
We're making this shit up
The reasons for being are easy to pay
You can't remember the others
They just kind of went away
So you're driving, it's rush hour
The cars on the freeway are moving like slugs
When you drift off to wake up
Do you always hit the brakes?

We're done lying for a living
The strange days have come and you're gone
Either dead or dying
Either dead or trying to go

It's evening, you're tired
You sleep walk, a robot out to the street
Are you crazy to want this, even for a while? you're driving, it's rush hour
The cars on the freeway are moving backwards
Into a wall of fire
Backwards
Into a wall of fire

We're done lying for a living
The strange days have come and you're gone
You're gone
Either dead or dying
Either dead or trying to go
Good morning
Don't cop out

A New Found Love

Flying, something all of us dream to do but rarely get the chance of actually doing. Lucky ever since I was about 5, I have had the privilege of being able to do this. Its quite a magical feeling, souring above the earth at 2500 feet in basicly a chair with wings. Its the only time you are actually free. Your life is completely in your hands, and as long as you have enough fuel, and a runway, you can go pretty much anywhere.

I remember my first experience with flying quite well. My dad has always had really adventurous hobbies. In the span of my life(and before it) It has spanned from rally car racing, motorcycle touring, scuba diving, geology, and much more. I swear if the guy is not doing 2 million things at once he gets board out of his mind, probably where I get it from. When I was young, about 4 years old, he went for his private and later commercial licence. Back then flying was much cheaper then it was now, and he bought a plane. A used Piper P-28 Cherokee. I thought it was pretty awesome, and we would go flying often.

The most vivid memory I have was when he let me fly. We were flying to Campbell River airport at that time and he said to me "Kevin, Im going to teach you a little bit about flying, do what I do" At the time I could not reach the rudder, but sitting in right seat, I grabbed the yoke and he used the rudders for me. "Ok, we are going to come into land, we need to start descending push in the yoke a little bit and try and keep this needle at the number 5 (500 feet per min vertical descend speed). And I did, I followed him exactly, after we had descended he showed me how to turn final, and took the controls from me right when we were lined up for final approach about 300 feet above the runway. It was magic. After flying became way to expensive and we had to sell the plane, I thought I would never be able to experience that again, but boy was I wrong.

You can find friends in some really strange places, and I mean down right weird. Its quite strange how you can sometimes just randomly meet something and feel like you have known them for your entire life. I don't believe in god, or fate, but god damn its weird.

I remember one night sitting at my desk doing some homework when I got a completely random ad on Facebook. Because of my nature of work, and prevalence in the community that I work in, it was quite normal for me to get ads from people I did not recognize or know in person. So naturally being curios I hit accept and just let it be. Next night, I get a message from this person, who we will call Nick.

After talking for some time and goofing off with each other talking about completely random shit, I find out that it is a fake trolling account Nick's real name is actually Mark, and he lives in Chilliwack about 20 mins from me. We talk about the hilarious trolling he has done, and I find out that he is a student pilot, which was really awesome. We skype that night and I meet his room mates, and we goof off prank calling HP and Microsoft and just laughing our asses off. I was going through a pretty shitty time mentally and this was really good therapy. I have known this guy for 2 days and he says to me "Hey dude, I have a flight to Sechelt tomorrow, wanna come?" I instantly accepted.

That day, I hopped down to the airport and met Mark for the first time, it was a little awkward at first but in about 30 mins we were goofing around just like we were online. It honestly was pretty strange, there been very few people who I have been able to be myself around and they think its awesome because there kinda weird to. About an hour later, we took off from Chilliwack airport and started heading towards Sechelt.

As soon as I got in the cockpit and we took off it all came back to me. My dad and 4 year old me, sitting in the plane with him teaching me how to fly. And as we sat there in the plane, I nearly started crying. I never thought I had missed flying that much but that memory means so much to me, and being able to do it all over again meant the world to me. Mark I know your reading this and I cant thank you enough.

He told me his story, about how he left his family in Zanzibar and came to Canada to train as a commercial pilot. We had kind of the same struggle, I am also moving and quite afraid. Seeing though how my family will just be on the other side of Canada and not the other side of the world makes me think I can do it. Hearing how he has delt with it was comforting and reassured me.

Ever since then we have been best friends. We party, fly, and just do stupid fun shit with each other. Today we went on another flight to Texada Island from Chilliwack. This time, he asked "Do you want to fly part of this?" beaming, I said ok, and for the entirety of the flight, he showed me basic flight rules and manoeuvres with me being in right seat. The memories all came back and I just sat there smiling.

Looks like that junior flight training sparked something dad, Thank you its one of my most favourite memories.

Linkin Park: Numb

Another very good song that I can relate to greatly.

Not much has happened this week, so I have not had much to talk about. Mostly consisted of going out with friends, work, and sitting at home gaming.

Anyway, enjoy the song.

 "Numb"

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)

[Chorus:]
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me,
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you.
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you.
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take.

[Chorus:]
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there,
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you.

And I know
I may end up failing too.
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you.

[Chorus:]
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there,
Become so tired, so much more aware.
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you.

[Chorus:]
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there.
(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there.
(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)

Matthew Good, Born Losers

I do not normally write these kind of posts, but today will be an exception. As some of you know, Matthew Good means a lot to me and I will share his work here frequently. This is one of my favourite songs, and Id love for my friend hunter to teach me how to play this on the guitar. 

"Born Losers"

Well there ain't nothing to this but your daughter
and the life you would not give her break your plans
traipsed across the continent a squatter
for your lies at night to sleep between my hands

When the lights come on this whole place gets ugly
but when they're out strangers fall in love
she could never say that flat out she don't want me
cause I could never say that half way ain't enough

New Order's on the turn table we're dancing
cause what else do you do when you don't talk?
crucified to crawl into your mansion
Ya, that's why I learned to crawl before I walked

We're back where we belong
straight back where we belong
no days for nights, no cocaine cons
just back where we belong

Take me out back to your piranhas
And beat me until I can't even stand
your whole life a plane without no landing gear
so if this is it then come on let me land

That trailer trash pedigree is calling
it rats you out when you're down on all fours
me I like to cast my death on yesterday
cause what doesn't kill us now just makes us better whores

We're back where we belong
straight back where we belong
no days for nights, no cocaine cons
just back where we belong

Go put it in the ground
go bury it some place it can't be found
go put it in the ground

Well there ain't nothing to this but your daughter
and the life you would not give her break your plans
traipsed across the continent a squatter
for your lies at night to sleep between my hands

Late Night Walks

I had actually posted this on my Facebook a day or so ago but I am going to move it here.

Iv always hated the daytime. The people, the sun, the noise, all of it. It drives me crazy, makes me anxious and uncomfortable. Ever since I was young I was like this, thus I became introverted, bitter and annoyed by the day to day routines of getting up in the morning, exhausted as always, and going to school or work. I love my job, iv dedicated my life to it but its stressful. I find peace and calm in the night time. The lack of people, the quiet and the darkness, its soothing. Iv been incredibly stressed this week, very busy with work, moving to another province, and my best friend moving back to the other side of the world in a month. Its taken a tole on me stress and anxiety wise. Anxiety attacks are a regular occurrence and trust me they are not fun. You cant breath, you see and hear shit and your left a scared little ball of anger. The nicotine and caffeine helps, rounds off the edges and makes me able to think, calms me down. I recently stopped smoking after my parents found my pack of cigs after a night of partying with friends. I trashed the smokes and bought a vape and thats help a lot. Its also a fun little electronics hobby that I want to get into more. Building my own coils, mods, wicks etc.

Tonight was particularly bad. Getting ready for my move has been really stressful. I'm lucky im able to just pack up and go when ever as my move date keeps getting pushed back due to lawyers taking there time. Im excited beyond belief but part of me does not want to go. Iv lived in B.C. my entire life and moving all the way to Toronto scares the shit out of me. Im leaving my family, friends everything, my entire safety net is gone. Everyone that I can go to in person when I feel like shit....gone. Yeah theres facebook and skype but anyone who has what I have knows that that is not the same. I cant sleep, to much on my mind, to many irrational fears and anxiety so I do what I love to do most, go for a night walk.

I found my love for this when I was dating my now ex girlfriend. When she was down here we would go for walks at night when we both felt like shit. We would walk to the forest down the road at like 2 in the morning, smoke a joint, and just talk while looking up through the trees, it was amazing. For that moment, everything seemed to just be OK. The cool air, the rustle of the trees and the darkness, its soothing.

I put on a pair of jeans, grabbed my vape with an extra battery, grabbed my headphones, put my coat on and set off. I walked to a park bench appropriately named the sad bench (another story I wont get into here) and started playing Matthew Good. There was something really comforting about the cold, the music, and watching the Griffen Security car make its rounds around the aquatic centre. Matthew Good means more to me then most. Music has always been my cope, my escape. My ex introduced Matthew to me when we started dating and iv been addicted ever since.

I sat on that bench for a good two hours, thinking. The anxiety and fear just melted all away and for the first time in a while I felt OK. No one was calling me, no deadlines to work for, just me, my vape, and the night. After I decided to go get a drink from the near by esso station.

Its quite interesting seeing a city at night. All the normal bustle of everyone going about there daily lives was gone, a normally very busy road only graced by one or two cars every 20-30 mins. After grabbing my drink I walk back to the bench and sit there watching the clouds of vapor from my vape drift in the wind. After seeing the time is now 3am I decided to walk back home as iv got to wake up early to meet some friends for probably the last time before I leave.

I know ill be exhausted tomorrow but thats OK. The exhaustion is what some insomniacs, including me, crave. Its like a drug, it makes you numb and able to coap with the day to day bullshit that always seems to slap you in the face.

So, at five am, I finally go to bed, good morning guys.